Have you ever met someone who tells a story, yet you feel they are not sharing the truth? It makes you feel a little cheated. Disappointed in them. If they’ve fibbed once you may wonder how many others times they’ve done the same thing. Lying is a learned patterned behaviour.
It differs from those who embellish their version of events. Wanting to spice up their tales keeping it interesting for the audience.
A perpetual liar requires the memory of an elephant. Having to remain alert at all times. Constantly watching what is flowing from their mouth.
One lie leads to another. If they don’t remain on top of it, they will be found out. Losing all creditability.
The process of patterned behaviour.
Say for instance, a parent is in the habit of bullying their child. The young person had to think on their toes otherwise they would be unfairly punished.
After a while the child masters the skill of lying. Sneaky and sly are a part of their forte. Becoming an expert at telling people what they want to hear.
It’s not a natural instinct. It became a part of a survival process the child had to inhabit to get around a powerful adult.
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We face far more challenges with honesty. There is something powerful in the truth. Upholding this standard comes with its own pressures. Not everyone wants to hear the facts. Some would rather a polite word.
There is something powerful in the truth. Not everyone wants the facts. Some prefer a polite word. Click To TweetOther situations get tricky. Speaking with accuracy can create tense environments leading to arguments. Throwing people on the defensive. Creating a pressure cooker of behaviours.
Patterned behaviour is no different to a steady work flow.
Organising a blog post is not just about the writing quality content. There are standards to meet. Adding internal and external links, tending to SEO, research and promotion.
Each blogger actions these common practices. Yet we all have our own preferred routine in finalising the process.
It takes time and effort to write a post. The more we learn the better we become with our own procedure. Making adjustments to our step by step routine.
We’re always on the lookout for areas where we can increase productivity. A new plugin may become available or the latest practice to optimise photos tempts us. Our aim is a steady work flow.
Checking out any tool that may reduce our time frames will have our attention. Test running new options to see if they work for us. Looking for best practices. We know when we’ve found the right fit as it feels comfortable.
This is how we go about working with our patterned behaviours.
Behaviour Reinforcement.
Your father regularly introduces you to his work colleagues. You have found in these circumstances a smile and a charming attitude works wonders. You engage well and conversation flows easy.
Your father is proud of how you handle yourself. It’s evident by the number of functions you attend with him. This is positive reinforcement. Of course you will use the same behaviour again.
As time goes on you want to try a different style of communication. The next opportunity you get you attempt humor. The person is instantly insulted. You make an effort to explain yourself but the damage is done.
You won’t forget this little word tango in a hurry. It created a stressful situation and took you outside of your comfort zone. You’re not going to attempt funny for a while.
You’ve been asked to attend another event. You may feel some discomfort as you remember the previous situation. To overcome the angst you revert back to the charming attitude. Everything goes smoothly. This rebuilds your confidence.
Certain emotions create actions.
When stress, angst or nerves are upon some individuals they will chew their nails. Other play with their hair or fidget.
- You have a car accident turning right into oncoming traffic. There after, you feel pressure every time you turn right.
- You move from one abusive partner to another. You jump into a relationship and feel all loved up. Thinking you have found the one who is right for you. A couple of months down the track, the insults begin. Then the shoving.
- Your friend is in the habit of putting people down. This behaviour arises when she feels uncomfortable or threatened. She will always find the negative in them.
- Your mate dates the same type of woman. He ends with one, to go out with another. They always look the same. They could not be identified as twins. But most of the women in his life look like they could be siblings.
- Every time you get upset you over eat and then purge. This is an unhealthy pattern. Before you stop the physical action you must address the mentality of it.
All these actions are second nature to us. We do them on autopilot. Repeating our behaviour and ending up in similar circumstances. We can view this as our default behaviour.
An opportunity for change arises when our default behaviour creates a negative impact. The indicator is a strong emotion attached to the situation. Feeling uncomfortable can be the trigger that alerts us to review our behaviour. To go in search of the pattern.
That’s it. I’m starting my diet on Monday. This time no excuse will do. I’m sticking with it.
How To locate patterned Behaviour.
Patterns are our ABC processors. Baking a cake is a step by step formula.
Sift flour and coco. Stir in sugar. Combine milk, eggs, melted butter and vanilla in a jug. Mix ingredients together. If you don’t follow the recipe the cake won’t turn out the way it should.
Our patterned behaviour works in similar a fashion. We can reflect on how we manage a situation. Looking at the first step, then the one that followed and so forth.
An example: When you disagree with another it tends to end in an argument.
You become persuasive attempting to change that person’s opinion. Ignoring their views completely.
People constantly react to you when you behave in this manner. This style of communication slowly turns into an argument. This happens all the time.
You watch two individuals with differing opinions converse with each another. The one holding a strong and passionate view accepts the other person’s outlook. They agree to disagree and the conversation moves onto other topics.
There’s no room left for discussions once you have finished airing your views. The people you talk to become defensive and walk away.
You may consider this alternative approach in the future. Test run this strategy to see if it works for you.
When we see ourselves involved in repeated situations we have found our recipe. Patterned behaviour constantly leads to the same results.
Some people are so good at saying sorry over and over. If only they placed the same effort into not making the same mistakes over and over. – Unknown.
Locating the kink and adding a rule.
Each morning as you enter the office, Johnny in security is there to share a smile. He’s in the habit of stopping you for a quick chat. You understand he is doing his job. You appreciate his efforts and tolerate him.
One morning you see him, you’re feeling angry and cut him short. Johnny looks shocked and confused. You hurry past not giving it much thought. Johnny is doing what he always does. It’s your behaviour that has changed.
There are many contributing factors for your curt attitude. You may have been hungry, lack in sleep and are overloaded with work. The list is endless.
Every time you see Johnny he smiles but he avoids you. It does not affect your life. But you do feel you misrepresented yourself and blocked a friendly liaison.
Upon reflection, you recognise this approach is unpredictable. You’re in the habit of cutting people short. After such interactions, you realise people change towards you.
You decide on some new personal rules. In future when you’re alerted to the rise of your impatience you will consider: –
- Keeping your mouth shut. Silence is an action. That way you don’t have to put an effort into cleaning up a mess you made.
- You can try telling the person that now is not the time. Or excuse yourself with a quick explanation. Leaving the situation intact. You carry on with your mood without impeding others.
- If these methods don’t work, you can look for alternative strategies. Test running a new practice when an opportunity arises.
When opportunity presents itself.
You spent time examining how you reacted and what you felt. You have a plan in place. You get on with life. Sometime in the future you realise the situation you have prepared for has presented itself.
- You remember the plan and exercise restraint.
- Evaluate the response. Was there improvement? Will you use the same self-control again?
- At times your new approach will work in your favour and others times it will go terribly wrong.
- You might revert back to your default behaviour. You’re reminded of why you decided on having a rule in place. You did not appreciate how you represented yourself in the previous situation.
- It’s only you who is aware that you’re exercising restraint. The other person has no idea that you are practicing a new behaviour. It feels good to have carried out the plan. There’s no mess to fix or action to apologise for.
- Acknowledge and celebrate; you became aware there was a possible situation when your emotions put you on alert.
The first time you change how you react to a situation you may not feel pleased. When you reflect you may feel angry that you did not lash out, put them in their place or give as good as you got.
This is nothing more than old habits wanting attention. Part of your brain resisting change. Encouraging you to remain in a place where you felt lousy about the outcome. You managed the situation rather than changing a relationship.
After a couple of days you will be thanking yourself for handling the intensity of your own emotions.
The more you practice the stronger your mind becomes.
Our emotions are our informers.
We notice the difference in our feelings. Think about hanging out with your friends. Feeling comfortable conversing at a balanced level. There’s no defence mechanism at play, no need be angry. Your tone of voice is at the right pitch. Your body language is relaxed. Breathing at a normal rate.
It’s the opposite reaction when an intense situation arises. We sit up straight. Our voice changes. We’re in a moment where the battle of words has begun. This scene stands out far more than a calm setting.
Patterned behaviour is performed without thought. It’s what creates a positive or negative outcome. Our attention is drawn to emotions dramatically stirred.
Patterned behaviour is performed without thought. It's our auto pilot. Click To TweetWe should never ignore a reaction. This is how we locate the flaw in our flow. When reflecting, accept responsibility for your feelings and actions. It’s the only way we can change how we respond to a situation.
We can’t blame our own attitude on someone else. How can others be responsible for our actions? Don’t pass up an opportunity to practice and sharpen your skills.
Working on our behaviour creates smoother connections with others. It makes life easier for ourselves and those we interact with.
When it’s time to action your new strategy, observe the situation without reacting. However this is easier said than done. Over time you will get better at it.
You’re aware patterned behaviour will create a similar situation in the future. May as well prepare rather than feel despair.
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Hi Rachel.
Patterned Behavior is an important part of our human lives.
It is patterned behavior that helps us to learn skills, habits and make them automatic. This automation helps us to move to new things, learn more, do more.
But patterned behavior can be both positive and negative. Positive patterns carry us forward and negative patterns hold us back.
I agree when you say that we must take responsibility of our own actions and do the right thing. Becoming aware of our negative patterns and correcting them is essential.
🙂
Hey Ankit,
This is your first time to my blog so welcome.
We can use our positive patterns to change our negatives ones. That is what makes us dynamic and very exciting. Change for me is not about getting there. If anything I enjoy getting it wrong before I get it right. Okay maybe not while I’m in the process but it certainly makes for a great story.
Sometime we aren’t aware of our negative patterns and why things happen. Our emotions can certainly show is where we can begin looking. Thanks for comments. I look forward to getting over to your site and seeing your work.
Rachel.
Hi again Rachel.
Yes. How we feel is a great pointer to what is going on in our lives. As learners, we often make mistakes before getting it right. Part of the package I’d say.
It’s great to know you’re looking forward to my work. Thank you for that. 😀
I am actually pursuing a blogging course where I need to complete various stages. Actual content writing comes in at a later stage. So it is going to be a while.
But thanks. 🙂
Hey Ankit,
Correct. How we feel is the biggest indicator as to where we are in our life. While life is smooth when we get things right, we certainly begin to take lessons for granted if we don’t fall on our butt a couple of times before we get it right. We seem to hold onto our lessons better. As humans we are unusual creatures that’s what makes behaviour so wonderful to observe and be apart of.
Sounds like you are taking blogging seriously with the course your doing. That’s one way of going about it. However if you get the time to write on a blog do so, because the experience is just as wonderful.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
So many nuggets of wisdom here, Rachel–thank you for sharing them! Dealing with other people can often times be so complex. It’s important to remember that we are the ones who control our reactions to others, and if we are unhappy, it’s up to us to make some changes.
Thanks for some guidelines on how to make this happen~
Blessings~!
Hey Chanler,
Dealing with people can be so easy on some days and painful on others. But you are right it is about how we react. Dam those emotions, they certainly are unpredictable if we don’t get a control of them. The guidelines do truly work, however new growth and learning can create a few hick cups along the way. Laugh at yourself and celebrate trying. Thanks for the comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
I’m glad I could count on you to have a post to read and comment on when I came back from my mini hiatus.
I loved how, even though this post was so full of psychology, there were practical examples for everything. Your example about the security guy, baking a cake, writing a blog post, these really helped to cement patterns of behavior in my mind. We learn routines for everything, and this includes dealing with all of the relationships in our lives. We just have to be careful to keep them positive.
“It’s the opposite reaction when an intense situation arises. We sit up straight. Our voice changes. We’re in a moment where the battle of words has begun. This scene stands out far more than a calm setting.”
This is absolutely true. Negative reactions and interactions always stick out more prominently than positive ones. Though this can be stressful at times, it is also helpful because we don’t have to go looking for the time we negatively interacted with a certain person. To change a behavior, finding when and where that behavior took place is easier when it’s a negative one because they do stand out.
The steps to changing a patterned behavior were also well done, and so were the warnings. At times, we want, so badly, to revert back to our patterned behaviors because they are justifiable to us. As you said, we have to feel good that we are changing a behavior for the better, even if it doesn’t feel like it in the beginning.
This was a well-informed and interesting read.
Be blessed,
Rylie
Rylie Robinson recently posted…Finding Your Passion: Advice you Thought You’d Never Receive from a Murder Mystery
Hey Rylie,
What a great response. Thank you.
I like to think to do practical self-development even when it does cross over into psychology.
I just want to touch on something you said. While relationships can be fragile or even known to be explosive, we should never worry about being careful. We should feel confident that we can deal with any situation. We put an effort into other people and do a bit of verbal dancing. But being careful means you are holding back. And with a personality like yours, I reckon blast everyone with it. Fix things later if need be. Don’t let other miss out on your wonderful shine.
Negative liaisons will always stand out because we all react in our own way. When negative starts to happen – (I always remind myself that the only thing I have to be responsible for is my behaviour). What do I want to get out of the situation and is it worth my effort?
Oh Rylie I can give you an endless list of the times I have held my tongue. To be wild with myself. I could have really stuck it to that person with so many different come backs. But two days later I find it a victory because had I responded it would have meant that situation had meaning.
Thanks for the visit.
Rachel.
Hi again,
I thought I’d reply to your reply and thank you for that reminder about relationships. There are so many times when I feel like I have to put effort in to being careful that not all of me shines through when dealing with other people. I don’t like confrontation very much, so I feel like being careful will keep me from conflict in most instances. You’re right though; I should be bold at times, and even though I might have to go back and fix it later, I could definitely see it being worth it.
Also, I figured out where on your site I can pick up links to share your posts, so I’ll be doing that from now on. 🙂
Blessings,
Rylie
Hey Rylie,
How exciting. You have found an area where you can work. Confrontation. When you feel it coming on, work in it. Face it. Learn a new strategy to deal with it. Maybe even indulge it. Not many of us are good with it. I do a bit of fancy foot work in these times too.
Confrontation is about managing your emotions and not getting caught up in the moment. Its tough but its a worthy investigation. I have written a few posts on it. But if you want to explore it more and break it down, let me know.
And just remember Rylie, I am getting to know you better with every interaction, you have strength that is very impressive. I am a big fan of yours. So know this confrontation is just a hurdle you are yet to jump. I am saying that to someone who is visually impaired. But I don’t see you as handicapped at all. I see you as an inspiration. A public speaker, a performer. Someone who embraces her lessons. Of course someone who takes on the world as you do has my attention.
Rachel.
Hi, Rachel
Patterned behavior are two big words that control our behavior or activities subconsciously every sec of our life. The patterned behavior can be a positive or negative depending how you brought up.
For the sake of others, I agree with you that we can’t keep the negative patterned behavior to exist anymore. Tips that listed out are useful in this aspect.
Your post will be shared because I wish more people can read this so that more harmonic environment for us to live in .
Thanks for sharing your insight!
– Stella Chiu
Stella Chiu recently posted…10 Keys to the Success of your 2016 New Year Resolution
Hey Stella,
Always enjoy your comments.
I agree patterned behaviour is subconscious, but it does not have to be. Our emotions can be the triggers to identify areas where work is required.
Locating your patterns and working on the ‘SELF’ should never be done for others. That should never be our first motivation. It should be because we want to better ourselves. By doing it like this, it will benefit others.
Thanks for sharing. Changing behaviour is not for the light hearted it certainly does not happen over night. But wouldn’t it be nice to live in a harmonic environment. Thanks for the visit.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
This is such an insightful post & it really got me rethinking how i relate with pople. I believe that our behaviours are not set in stone and we can always make efforts to revise or change them if we aren’t getting desired results. I used to have a colleague who used to be unfriendly towards strangers especially men and she even expressed this unconsciously whenever she sends out emails to prospects and potential clients. Because of that attitude most clients always avoided dealing with her directly. However, she was lucky enough to notice that and work towards changing that behavior and her relationships with clients improved significantly. I think that we all have he power to decide how we choose to be perceived or relate with other people because our behaviours do have a huge impact on our lives.
Thanks for sharing & enjoy the rest of your day.
Emeka recently posted…Meet Kachi Irondi: An exceptional Nigerian ceramics designer pushing the boundaries of innovation
Hey Emeka,
It appears as if this is your first time to my blog, so welcome.
You are correct in saying that we have the capability to change our behaviour. It’s not easy but its worth it. Our interactions with the people around us give us indicators on how we are going. If we are getting a whole lot of negativity back, we can see that we may be communicating in a fashion that in turn has people reacting to us.
Your friend did well to see where change was required. Changing how she communicated made a big difference to her outcomes. Thats great work. Our emotions and how people respond to us are the triggers. How exciting that she turned it around. I always enjoy hearing stories like these.
Even though we do things unconsciously we still have triggers that alert us to areas of our behaviour that need a review.
Thanks for your wonderful comments and insights.
Rachel.
Such a great post. Yes, I knew a person who lied all of the time. It is hard to ever believe them once you have noticed they have lied a few times. It is amazing how patterned behavior works. It is hard to change unless you see that you need to change. Some people always want to improve themselves and work on bettering themselves. But there are those that believe that the whole world is wrong. Those type of people have such a small chance to change. I think it is wise to evaluate why we do what we do and if it is effective.
Hey Homegrown Adventures,
It appears this is your first time here, so welcome.
The sad thing about those who lie (most are desperate for acceptance and attention) and yet they do everything to end a relationship. What can you do with someone who lies? Nothing. Because you can’t trust them. That does not grow a relationship, it puts it to a stand still.
Our patterned behaviour is so ingrained it can be difficult at first to identify. However once we commit to self development we start to recognise how we tick. Self development makes you observe yourself and take responsibility for your actions. The start of the path is rather tough as we become aware of some of our default behaviour.
When we look outwardly and see other people as responsible for what goes on in our lives, we are handing over power. I could not stand any one capable of controlling how I thought. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
I really enjoyed your article. Patterned behavior is a pretty powerful force, and as you’re indicated, there is much to say about trying to change those unwanted behaviors.
But it’s equally important to forge the patterned behaviors that can enhance our lives. I like your example of improving your blogging, for instance, by developing better work flow. I feel like there’s an enormous, untapped power that we can harness by learning how to build positive behaviors that help us achieve the things we want.
-Donna
Donna Merrill recently posted…How Blogging Communities Build Site Traffic
Omg great info!!!! I will have to take some of this into consideration:) thanks for posting!!!
Hey Courtney,
It appears its your first time to my blog, so welcome.
I appreciate you reading the post and commenting. Glad your going to give it some consideration.
Rachel.