The word compromise gets tossed around lightly. Talked about as if it’s the easiest thing in the world to come to terms with.
Having a standard and lowering it to meet in the middle. These discussions are about adjusting your expectations.
At times theory and reality walk parallel to one another. It’s tough work negotiating. Looking for a win-win situation.
Disagreeing is essential to your own well-being. Especially if you won’t be able to live with the terms discussed. Regardless of how uncomfortable sharing this information can be.
New beginnings.
A recently committed couple discuss future plans. Mortgage, marriage and children. Taking the relationship to the next level. There’s enthusiasm being caught up in these talks. At the time it sounds good and feels right.
Hours after the discussion irritation starts to build. One party isn’t sure anymore. It has begun to feel more like an obligation rather than embracing what seemed like logical steps forward.
It’s obvious that’s what partners do. Yet internally there’s an uneasy feeling rising within, demanding attention. Now these talks feel rushed. Maybe it’s was too soon to be making such plans.
Is this fear of the unknown or a commitment you’re not ready to embark upon?
The relationship is only six months old. You’re mother does not approve. Whispering gold digger in your right ear. A couple of your friends have been cold towards your partner. Not all is gelling. Yet you can’t remember ever feeling happier.
You’ve agreed verbally, but your actions show you’re not compromising at all.
Committing yet unaware that you’re afraid. Maybe you go on a bender. Flirt with someone you’ve just met. Consider more intimate actions. This isn’t your normal behaviour. You’re going off the rails because you are ill at ease with the talks.
Instead of discussing how torn you feel, you sabotage the relationship. Yet you want it. But you’re not sure. Then you mind is berating you for being such a chicken. The next moment you’re thinking about how wonderful life could be. Then you think of all the reasons why you shouldn’t go with it. Maybe your mother and friends are right. You go back and forth on the topic. You’re not rational.
The talks are done and it feels as if you agreed to too much. What then?
- Allow all the different thoughts to rise to the surface. Give it a day or two.
- First you have to decide if you want what you have agreed to. There’s no point discussing your options if you don’t know what they are.
- Write a list of all the pros and cons of the situation?
- See what comes of this inventory.
Everything is up for renegotiation.
You conclude that you do want it all. But there’s no hurry. You’re both committed.
You sit your partner down for further discussions. You’re eager to build a family and unite as a married couple. After careful consideration you suggest waiting for six to twelve months.
Your partner doesn’t agree. But understands where you’re coming from.
Value the relationship.
Learn to be an open and honest communicator. It’s essential to recognise your own needs. It’s just as important being able to express them.
Your familiar with how your partner will respond to certain information. Avoiding conversations because they may explode or become upset. While you can put these talks off, they should never be avoided.
Value and nurture the relationship enough to get into the nitty-gritty. Regardless of how you believe your partner will respond. Leaving things unsaid is a bad habit in a relationship. We get lazy because we can’t be bothered dealing with this part of their personality.
You describe a situation where you did not like your partners behaviour. Saying. ‘When you act like this, I feel embarrassed. It creates a situation where I’m uncomfortable.’
Now you know your partner is going to flip. Let them rattle on. Once they have finished talking over you, airing their madness. Continue. Go back over the conversation. Make them own their behaviour so that you can compromise on it. Don’t avoid it because it’s uncomfortable or because you know they are going to be angry.
They may feel your being over dramatic. However the matter has to be addressed. Your partner feels a certain negative emotion. Your not enemies so you naturally want to get to the bottom of it and find a way forward.
Not every topic is easily discussed. Prolonging a truth can be far more harmful than the initial talks.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate. – J.F Kennedy
Look upon these conversations as challenges rather than some daunting process. This is your mate turned lover. The person you rely on. When the stakes are high, your partner is by your side. Learn to keep them informed with what’s going on in that noggin of yours. No holding back. If you’re going to live out a life with this person, bare it all.
When you’re in love and eager to keep the relationship alive, compromise is a small fraction of the deal. Respect yourself so you can share the same respect with your partner.
When you’re in love and eager to keep the relationship alive, compromise is a small fraction of the deal.@thedigger0 Click To TweetWhat you should never compromise on.
- When an issue is playing on your mind. Don’t let the subject go unaddressed for long periods of time. Never wait until an argument has started to wage war with this new problem.
- Just because your partner does not agree, does not mean you have to change. He/she does not like one of your friends. You agree this individual is a handful. You’re not about to give up on this person because you’re partner has taken a disliking to them.
Your other half has asked that you stop seeing your friend. This would not be up for negotiation. This is a warning sign. Would they appreciate the same conditions placed upon them?
You might agree to keep your friend from the family home as much as possible. You’ll meet at cafes or bars. However, if on the odd occasion they do turn up your partner is to be polite.
- An affair. You have decided to become exclusive, yet you are seeing someone else.
RELATED: 7 Things You Should Never Compromise On In A Relationship.
Some things just fall into place no compromise required.
Who does the house work, who mows the lawns? These fall into gender specific tasks. It doesn’t have to work like that. The female is a green finger and the male loves to cook.
If its affordable you hire others to do the housework, laundry, ironing and lawns. Reducing your work load and keeping others employed.
The important talks
While sports are on – its game time. It’s not time to talk about deep emotions. Whilst amongst this discussion the male did request their partner play waitress. Where drinks and food were constantly supplied. Nibbles should be served in a maid outfit.
Sports matters have been agreed upon. However the food and beverage service was ruled out of the negotiations. Although it got a smile. A glint of excitement was sited in your partner’s eye.
Before sitting down to watch the match, said male has to fulfil his responsibilities around the house before relaxing. The Girly nights out will continue. Even when it leaves her a little irritable and hungover the following day.
Compromise it’s not all bad.
Moving forward. Give up a few things to make progress. These things may be missed but you can live without them.
Negotiating and budgeting your weekly spending allowance. He wants more beer money. His Man Cave is in need of a few added fixtures and decorations.
She wants more shoes. Her home office requires an update. The computer both parties use needs to be upgraded.
The girl tuts to the more beer. The males laughs at the shoe allowance. Half the bedroom is racked with boxes of shoes she can’t possibly wear in this life time. Instead of disregarding each-others wants; the compromise is a weekly allowance.
How you spend your pocket money is up to you. He can have more beer. She can buy as many shoes as she likes. Now she does not have to hide receipts or make excuses when the courier delivers her new Jimmy Choo’s.
You both decide on moving to a bigger house. This will increase the mortgage. You’ve calculated how much you can borrow.
Proceeding as planned, filling out the loan forms and producing expected documentation. The approval amount is far less than expected.
This new expense reduces both your allotted allowances. It’s a tough decision because that Man Cave is such a proud work of art. Males’ mates declare him champion of toys.
You love to watch his friends building him up like this. He pushes his torso out in front of him becoming pigeon chested. It’s a proud moment to be labelled in this fashion.
You too are aware of the sacrifices. Your girl friends are envious of your shoes and wardrobe. Always commenting on your style. You automatically push your hair back behind your ear pretending it’s nothing. Thinking that piece of clothing you bought at thrift shop really was a bargain.
You would love a bigger house but you enjoy your life style. You tweak the budget and play around with the figures. It’s too long term to go without. It will feel like living to work. The life you have now makes the both of you happy.
But your partner really wants this move and is willing to make all the sacrafices. You’re not prepared to do this and that is final. Where do you go when no terms are negotiable? Look for common ground.
- A new saving plan could be decided upon. Living in the same house for a couple of years longer, reducing the loan.
- Your partner may agree that it’s a great idea. However they would have preferred to change sooner as she feels claustrophobic. Between the both of you every corner in your home is filled.
Sometimes in life, you do things you don’t want to. Sometimes you sacrifice, sometimes you compromise. Sometimes you let go and sometimes you fight. It’s all about deciding what’s worth losing and what’s worth keeping. – Lindy Zart
Not negotiable.
When compromise isn’t suitable. What happens if you agree to the terms yet every part of your mind, body and soul says – it’s unacceptable. What do you do then?
Only agree to terms when you know you can live with them. They should never be conditions that are regrettable in the future. If you felt pressured into the agreement you won’t be able to live with it anyway.
What to do when you can’t reach a compromise. It’s crunch time. Big decisions have to be made. Never ignored. Not discussing the tough stuff does not mean there’s no elephant in the room. It has the capacity to get in the way of everything. Resentment can build.
Not discussing the tough stuff does not mean there’s no elephant in the room. Click To TweetWrapping it up.
Some talks both parties will glide through. They don’t even seem like you had to meet in the middle. Then there are other times where the compromise is a heavy burden. Time for renegotiation. Making adjustments is what life is about, but not to the point where you can’t live with yourself.
The art of compromise is a skill to equip yourself with. So too is flexibility in a relationship.
The art of compromise is a skill to equip yourself with. So too is flexibility in a relationship. Click To TweetNot all conversations will be intense and feel difficult to share. Invest time in all discussions. Don’t hold back because you’re afraid of hurting, upsetting or angering your partner. This should never be the reason why you’re leaving stuff out.
The relationship tango doesn’t always run smoothly. The dance of love is not always in harmony. You have to stand on a few toes whilst in practice.
If you enjoyed this post, don’t forget to share the love.
Hi Rachel, I really enjoyed reading your post 🙂
Looking back at my own life, I’ve realized that compromises are as important in relationship as are commitment and communication.
If we really want a lasting relationship, we should be willing to support each other, we need to listen to what our partner has to say instead of just thinking of our selfish wants. Of course healthy fights are pretty important as we can know our differences. But we have to first learn how to be content with what we have rather than fighting over imaginary issues. It does not mean giving up or giving in, but I have realized that just being willing to compromise opens up new possibilities in relationships – allowing us to change in ways we’d have never imagined.
I’ve also observed that by being selfish, we end up in bitter arguments, but we can get more than what we want by being selfless. That is one reason why arranged marriages in my country usually end up with long, happy relationships.
Enjoy your weekend 🙂
Sarika
Sarika Nair recently posted…Zika Virus and Brain Defects in Babies
Hey Sarika,
Sounds like you have grown. I agree with what you say. Maybe it should be called the three C’s. Communication, compromise and commitment.
Imaginary issues is a big one. Because it is what one has conjured up in their mind about another. And instead of getting conformation, we come up with our own conclusion. I don’t know about you, but my imagination can make a mountain out of mole hill – so I will attempt to put a lid on that when I see that in me. While I may know my partners responses – I really need to get his answer. This is a terrible habit we all fall into and we shouldn’t.
I really enjoyed how you see compromise now. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hello Rachael,
Now this is an interesting topic to discuss! The 21st century’s world badly needs some counselling and training on the art of compromising.
This subject is tough which can hardly be concluded in a single post. So needless to say you have done a great job in this post by summarizing and highlighting the vital aspects.
A peculiar thing I have noticed in some couples is that while they are ready to compromise in serious issues, it is those petty and small things where they fail to come to a mutual agreement and which in turn invites a lot of troubles. Strange human psychology…
Thank you.
Tuhin recently posted…Protect your child from sexual abusers
Hey Tuhin,
Big smile on your observation. I agree couples will go to war over something that could be figured out in moments. While the big issues are carefully considered. I always think these couples do like the battle, if only to make up.
It’s a big topic, easier written about than having to compromise I tell you.
I love your Strange human psychology… I am devoted to humans and their strange ways. It is worth the inspection. Why we feel, say and act the way we do. Absolutely fascinating to say the least. That is why like to hash out the behaviour. I see you too hit some tough topics and I am a fan for talking about the tough stuff.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Interesting topic of discussion 🙂
Yes, with Valentine’s day just round the corner, anyone would love to go through posts about love and relationships! You are so right about all that you mentioned – and there are bound to be differences in relationships, as I’ve written also in so many of my relationship posts.
However, what matters most is how both parties resolve those issues and become one, isn’t it? There is NO compromise to communicating your thoughts, likes, dislikes with each other – the more you discuss and talk, the better your relationship becomes. Yes, men will be men, and women – women, but there are always common grounds where the two meet, and that is the path we need to take if we wish to remain in a relationship. Just my two cents. 🙂
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
BTW – Nice changes on your blog…love that you keep working on those. Keep it up!
Harleena Singh recently posted…Uncommon Ways to Save on Car Insurance
Hey Harleena,
That’s it, common grounds and we’re all comfortable there. Like you say the more we communicate the better we are able to process what the other is thinking and feeling. I have too often seen one part of a couple make decisions on behalf of the other. Whether it be selfish or insecure or just to take charge, no matter. If that continues in a relationship, there won’t be a couple for long. I also believe that agreeing to disagree is such a wonderful way to conclude a conversation rather than an argument. Because like you say (and I say this highly amused), men will be men and woman will be woman.
Your two cents worth always has been valid, with wise and valid words.
You know I don’t intentionally forget, you are one of my trusted resources (I mean that will all sincerity) why I don’t automatically use your links is beyond me. I have mentally drilled it into my head. And thank you for noticing the changes. They are slow in coming because I am technologically challenged, but I always have something on the go.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
Living alone is not a big challenge in this world of automation where one can easily meet all his basic and secondary needs with a lot of technological advancement that made the life least dependent.
The real test is living with someone for a longer period of time and quite joyfully and that requires the motto of be happy and make happy.
The real art of living together is adjusting with the other but without any cost of one’s own happiness. The space where two people can tolerate each other without any frown is the space of compromise and both must fully avail that space to make their life happier.
Many thanks for sharing this wonderful post that has a lot of food for thought to live happily and together.
Have a great rest of the week.
Mi Muba recently posted…How to protect your health in a city with poor air quality?
Hey Mi
This is your first time to my blog so welcome.
I agree living alone is not a challenge. Its suiting oneself without having to consider another. Its rather easy.
As for living with someone else, sounds like you have found a healthy balance. Although I would imagine that came with trial and error.
It really is a great topic for discussion. Living joyfully without a frown. Adjusting to one another without the cost of ones own happiness, so true Mi. I have seen older couples get to this stage. While younger couples behave like enemies at war before the make up and realise they’re on the same side. I think it comes with experience. First we have to understand how we operate individually and this comes with experience. Then working as a team is a totally new ball game. Thanks for your wise words.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel
A wonderful post!
When we are in a relationship there are bound to be differences. What we need to learn is to respect these differences and compromise.
In a relationship, we need to adjust with our partner. If both of them live with their egos and are not ready to compromise – the relationship cannot last. Listen to what your partner has to say and understand him. Selfishness leads to arguments and separation whereas compromise opens up new avenues.
For a relationship to be successful the couple has to be understanding and compromising.
Sonal Talwar recently posted…Teddy Day 2016: Gift your Beloved a perfect Teddy
Hey Sonal,
Always good to see you.
I agree there are bound to be differences. Not agreeing does not necessary mean war. Like you said we need to adjust to our partner. However that takes time and experience. We aren’t just good at meeting half way. We need to learn it.
I always hope when one partner is full of ego the other one is in a better mood and vice versa. That is another compromise, isn’t it? Knowing when our partner is not in the best of moods and making allowances for this. A good coupled team would generally be balanced. When one is not operating at their best the other is carrying them. Because before all the what is right and wrong and how we should behave – we are human. Most of the time we get it right but every now and again we mess it up. That’s what makes us as humans the perfect mess. We know what we should do but our emotions can be strong and drive us in the opposite direction.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
I really enjoyed this post, Rachel.
My wife and I are coming up on our first two years of marriage… and what an incredible two years it has been so far.
Andréa has helped me to achieve things I never thought possible.
That said, when it comes to the small stuff, we agree on almost nothing… LOL
For instance:
(*) music
(*) movies
(*) books
(*) food
…and so forth.
And it’s funny, because what we’ve come to realize is how little those things matter when you agree on the big stuff:
(*) finances
(*) travel
(*) spirituality (or lack thereof)
(*) family / children
I always thought it was strange how much focus dating websites put on whether or not we listen to the same music as a potential match…
I mean, I don’t mind listening to one of her playlists. And she doesn’t mind listening to one of mine.
Who really cares?
But the big questions — like do you want children or how do you manage money or how important is intimacy to you — almost never come up on someone’s profile.
So this post was interesting to me because of how little some people are willing to compromise.
Great topic!
Brent
Brent Jones recently posted…11 Different Types of Freelance Jobs & How to Price Them
Hey Brent,
Congratulations on two years of marriage. The appreciation you show towards your spouse in the comments is potent and wonderful to say the least.
I never really thought about the dating profiles or questions asked. But similar taste in music is appreciated but not a necessity.
Money matters. Do you both work on the finances? Does one manage the money? Big decisions where the finances are concerned should never be a one person decision.
The kids. Parenting thoughts matter way before a woman is pregnant. I have seen it happen before. A whole bunch of singles arguing about parenting children and they aren’t even in relationships. Most people hold strong opinions on this matter.
Say for instance a construction worker who is a bit rough around the edges, with a big beautiful heart who thinks swearing is just a couple of words swung together. Yet children are sponges so they will repeat everything a parent does. Telling the kid not to swear when the dad is – is hypocritical. How are the kids disciplined, schooled, clothed and is religion important? Oh this area really needs to be discussed and boundaries agreed upon. Those little people are very smart, we have to ensure we steer them in the right direction.
The research on intimacy is interesting. Going from the loved up stage to where couples get into habits can become problematic. However talking about this and working towards any of these areas together is the key. If it makes us feel anything at all it is worth the discussion. Never holding back because we feel a little uncomfortable on the subject matter.
But food Brent, now this can near send me to the divorce courts. My taste buds demand attention and they are not willing to negotiate. So lucky food outlets cater for a number of different tastes. On the home front things can be discussed and negotiated.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi, Rachel
In addition of “Love”, the other word, that we need to address, is “comprise” in this valentine period. To survive any relationship, love and comprise must there side by side.
Each of us is so unique in the DNA composition, brought up, and value system. If we are in a relationship, we must allow flexibility in decision making in order to keep relationship alive. 2 things will make this to happen: listening ears and willing to change for the sake of moving forward.
Thanks for sharing the insights!
-Stella Chiu
Stella Chiu recently posted…Follow the Birds to Have Worried Free Living
Hey Stella,
I always enjoy what you have to say. Listening ears and willing to change for the sake of moving forward. I could not agree with you more. And constant talks until a compromise can be reached. Also respecting that not all terms need to be agreed upon.
We are unique. How we were bought up, our learning and life experiences all come into our decision making. That is why we should never think we know how someone will feel before we have said anything. While compromise can be tough, I always find relationships hit bumpy road when one person assumes they know how the other will respond. This should be a big no no in any relationship. Speaking our mind is essential. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Compromising with the one that you love is not all that bad. Being willing to give and take where needed is what is important. Getting to know someone well enought to know what they like and want will make it all that easier. It like when you want something, you need to do or give something in return. Kind of like bartering. Not hard, but all parties are happy.
Sandy Mangis recently posted…Roller-Coaster Circle of Life | Be Careful Of Your Thoughts and Actions
Hey Sandy,
Now I am a big fan of the barter system. A little give and take is exciting because all parties benefit. I agree its not all bad as the person we are making sacrifices for is who we love, so we want their happiness as much as our own. However we must be careful not to agree because of this love for our partner, we must agree to terms because they’re acceptable as well as livable. Really enjoy your take on compromise Sandy.
Rachel
I like to think of it as acceptance instead of compromise. I’d rather accept his choices on whats important to him and I know he will let me make the choices that are important to me. Communication is certainly the key, very nice post
Hey Cynthia,
I agree that compromise is the key. Sounds like you have found the art of compromise. Discussions and airing our opinions especially when they differ can be tough. But if you have found the right balance between yourself and your partner – that’s great news. When we find a style that works when communicating our differences we continue to grow as a couple rather than putting up barriers. Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel what a great post! Compromise is definitely an incredibly important but often difficult part of a relationship. My partner and I have been together for 4 years and through dating long distance, deciding who was going to move where and now in the process of buying a house we have had to have a lot of conversations that involve compromise!
Hey 204 Park,
Oh the long distance relationship. I dare say those talks about who would move and leave what is familiar to unite as a couple would have been tough. Buying a house together, tells me the compromise went well. I bet there were endless talks, frustrations and excitement. Thanks for sharing such big decisions and life style change with me.
Rachel.
I have been married for 14 years this month and compromise is a huge deal in a relationship. It is hard sometime…but when you love each other and God is the head of your marriage it becomes so much easier as the years go by.
Hey Homegrown Adventures,
Congratulations on the 14 years. I could imagine how many compromises you would have had to faced. I say 70% would have been easy to come to terms with. 15% were tough but you’re committed to your relationship so you make the sacrifices and 15% would have been negotiated. I love hearing stories with couples in long term marriage. Because one automatically knows they have had some great times, but its those trying times when individuals and a couple are defined.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
Nice one Rachel, Compromises have an integral part to play for making the relationship last longer. Small things definitely make the difference certainly it has the power to make or break one relationship.
Been married for 5 years now and i believe mutual respect, understanding and communication is the key though.
Arun recently posted…Family Bonding Activities
Hey Arun,
It appears to be your first visit to my blog, so welcome.
Well done on your relationship of 5 years. Sharing mutual respect, understanding and communication will certainly keeps the relationship on track that is for sure. Sounds like you have the right balance and its working for you. If it ain’t broken don’t fix it.
What you share with your partner to keep your relationship alive and healthy has compromise in among the communication. Meeting in the middle, not agreeing but having enough respect for yourself and partner to find a way through a difficult situation. That’s a great balance.
Rachel.
Hi Rachel,
Compromises in a relationship are very important and can even be crucial for the relationship to survive. Men and women are very different, and if we don’t reach a compromise, things can go very wrong.
The most important thing is to understand that we both have our way of thinking and that they are both valid ones. And one isn’t more important than the other. When we understand this, it becomes much easier to reach a compromise.
Another point is respect. Just like you said, if your partner doesn’t like one of your friends, he has to respect that you like that person and want to keep them in your life. On the other hand, you have to respect that he doesn’t like your friend and try to see them outside the house.
I think that communication is the key to a successful relationship. We have to be willing to negotiate!
Thanks for this very interesting post! 🙂
~Nataly
Nataly Auger recently posted…Type A Or Type B: Which Personality Type Do You Think You Are? (INFOGRAPHIC)
Hey Nataly,
Its your first time to my blog so welcome.
I could not agree with you more when you say the survival of a relationship can be due to compromise. We certainly are all different so nearly every action we do is somewhat different to another.
Its like when a man does the dishes, its so different to how a woman does it. Should it matter how its done as long as it is. We can get caught up in our own process and get militant in how it should be done. I rather enjoy watching someone do my tasks – their way. And a man with rubber gloves on and soap suds certainly amuses me no end.
The law of ‘agree to disagree’ – do we really want yes people in our lives when we could have so many other perspectives?
Communication is the key.
Thanks for your comments.
Rachel.
If a woman “trusts and loves unconditionally and makes him feel good” when he’s with her, yet he still can’t call her his girlfriend, then maybe he’s not ready for the responsibilities a committed relationship brings. It’s one thing to tell someone within the first couple months or so of dating that you’re not ready to be boyfriend/girlfriend yet, but after 6 months, it’s not acceptable. I also remember reading a similar example in the book, He’s Just Not That Into You, and you can guess what the verdict was there. If a man doesn’t want to be called a boyfriend, why should he get all the perks of a loving relationship?
Hey Parm,
I agree with you. You either want her/him or not. Don’t keep another dangling. As you would not like it if the reverse was to happen.
The post was about taking a step from being a couple to getting married. If one is prepared to be with another for life, what is the hurry. Or the alternative because you are going to be together forever, cement it immediately. Its up to the couple.
People are different and taking a relationship to the next level can be scary for some people. Its not that they don’t like commitment, its new. And we do have to make allowances for our loved ones. I have found more men are more inclined to feel the pressure of marriage.
Its appears to be your first time here Parm, so welcome. Thank you for your comments.
Rachel.