We all know of a radio shock jock or a TV personality that is notorious for their obnoxious or confrontational outbursts. Some people are hired for this specific reason.

Imagine being offered a job because your known as a loud mouth.  You have a reputation for making people defensive. You’re recognized as antagoniser. This identifies you as not having a communication filter.

Two schools of thought.

When an individual communicates without diplomacy it appears as if they don’t care about what others think of them. However, this very action highlights they don’t put themselves first.

When we respect ourselves; we are mindful about how we send out our verbal messages. We don’t need to be liked, we are not asking for acceptance or approval. We are saying – “I value who I am”. The consideration of others is not a sign of weakness. It’s a leadership quality, encouraging open dialogue.

The consideration of others is not a sign of weakness. It's a leadership quality, encouraging open dialogue. @thedigger0 Click To Tweet

The type of communicator you are highlights what you feel about yourself, not what you feel about others. We understand this because we can only be responsible for our own words and actions.

What are we saying about ourselves if we feel the need to floor someone with unkind words or by teasing them (some refer to this as roasting) in front of others? To blurt out whatever comes to mind in an emotionally charged situation is not power, but lack of self-restraint.

• This form of conversation puts individuals on the spot. Placing them in uncomfortable situations (a verbal ambush, illustrating abuse of power).
• Intimidating or putting-off, those that have been witness to the scene. You show others that you are careless with your use of words.

The type of communicator you are highlights what you feel about yourself, not what you feel about others. Click To Tweet

This communication is saying, “Attention please, look at me”. To offend a person or get a laugh at the expense of someone else only excludes individuals. Demanding the spotlight yet representing yourself recklessly. This loses its charm as it makes people weary of this type of performance.

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the spotlight.  However if you have to insult or keep people’s attention by force or fear you damage your own credibility. This type of behavior is hard work to be around. Others tolerate you because they respect themselves.

Displaying the, ‘me first attitude’ (my needs are more important, or my entertainment is more important than you) does not encourage friendships.  It creates competition where it does not exist.

This type of person exhausts us.  We remain on high alert as we don’t trust their unpredictable behaviour.   We become guarded and hesitant.

We know it is not enjoyable because when we communicate with others it is comfortable, safe and full of stimulation.

Leave the tough talks to when the time is right.

When someone has wronged you, it creates a situation, where a particular action or behavior requires attention. A self-assured communicator is affected by the actions of others although they are able to address an issue anytime in the future. They are aware that communication is key to fixing majority of situations.

Any truth can be spoken by choosing a time and place where you can deal with the matter without disturbances. In this discussion you can take a person back to where the situation arose and rehash it.

Explaining why it made you feel the way it did. Filtering your words shows strength, importance, urgency and it deals with matters without unbalancing a relationship.

When the words are going to come out harshly, packing a verbal punch, it’s not time to address the situation. This is when it’s fueled with emotion.

This is a dog eat dog world.

Do we need to toughen up? What this says is that you are required to change in order to make allowances for other people’s behavior and you needn’t. It is easier accepting people for who they are.  Although you certainly don’t have to voluntarily remain in the company of those who do not stimulate you in a positive direction.

The underhanded threat.

The smile with the menacing remark. Hidden messages and agendas. This communication threatens without seeming to threaten. An underhanded approach so the meaning can be interpreted in a number of different ways.

Shifty communication with a double edged implication leaves confusion. Not too many people appreciate this form of talk. However if you are hearing these sorts of statements, how you feel is of little importance to the type of person you are dealing with. This kind of conversation alerts us to dangerous liaisons.

Generally the instigator has sharp observation skills. Managing individuals by threat, fear or force is their business in order to serve their own interests.

Snobbery.

A condescending communicator belittles or shows impatience towards others. Directing conversation with little tolerance for those they deem are not of the same social standing. Holding superior views of themselves.

This form of dismissal is generally a learned behavior. Having been witness to these actions or at the receiving end of this behaviour. Some may have grown up in this culture where they think it is acceptable, others gained it via status, power, money or promotion.

A well-balanced communicator values how they send out their message. A snob becomes flippant in their communication with what they identify as a lower class of people. Putting themselves first without any recognition or responsibility for their own behavior. This identifies holes in what appears to be impenetrable armor.

This behavior places individuals into categories. Either below the snob or on their level. However it goes without saying when you feel as though you are better than others there will be people you judge better than yourself. When you hold an, ‘us and them attitude’, soon enough you will feel excluded due to your own ideals about your standing.

Snobbery should never be confused with a confident communicator. There is nothing similar in their approach.

What is a confident communicator?

An individual who has the ability to connect, interact and influence others. Someone that people gather around, because they feel comfortable, are stimulated and there is no worry about malicious conduct. The confident communicator gets the most out of people by allowing them to be who they are, rather than what others expect of them. This generates positive results.

The Con Man and the Narcissist.

These individuals can talk the talk. Utilising their communication skills for the wrong reason.

This type of communicator leaves a trail of confusion and dismay wherever they go. They are generally cold and calculated. It is all about them but they do it with a smile on their face.

These people will only ever remain in your life temporarily. They may get the better of you, con money from you, they may steel your idea in the work place and get credit for it but their shine slowly but surely turns to rust.

They can never continually uphold this reputation as a smooth operator. Their motivated for themselves alone.  Somewhere down the line you will always be impacted by them in a negative form.

Rules by force.

The dictator who orders people about with little regard for anyone else. They have power and capital. When you take and never give you really have nothing to offer others. Your decisions are made for the minority not majority.

These leaders generally sit high in the hierarchy system. A façade of followers who appear to be devote supporters. However, there are consequences to the people if they are not showing this form of appreciation to their leader. This does not breed respect, but secret despise.

The system which enforces dictatorship is not in question. A leader sitting at this level has a great responsibility to their people. You either take advantage of that, highlighting a selfish and limited way of thinking.

Or you take the responsibility and power with the utmost seriousness and guide your people with the best of your ability. It all boils down to how you feel about yourself. How we communicate tells people how we feel about ourselves.

A dictator has decision making powers that others don’t possess. Most individuals that surround such a leader generally want something from them. Maybe an opportunity for success, power or a change in life style. They will always have followers.  It’s clear there are consequences in not appearing to love your leader.  Yet it’s a lonely place when you don’t have genuine friends.

The outcome of limited communication.

The big noters, the condescending tones and shifty words inform us how a person is shaped and motivated. These people do not breed confidence. Such approaches are generally to destabilize individuals or a group.

Their style of communication has an outcome that serves their own purpose. It is only a matter of time until they assert their dominance.

We are all too aware that these communicators are energy zappers. Why do we know this? Because we have other relationships that do not make us feel this way.

What do you offer?

A relationship is about give and take. People have to offer you something as an incentive for you to want to be a part of their life. It maybe you are their go-to-person for the following reasons.

• When you are together you always have a good time and a laugh.
• The straight shooter. You may be the person they depend on when something goes wrong (They won’t come to you for sympathy – they would go to someone else for that).
• You may be the one that emotionally eats with this person. You both like to pig out together.
• You may be the one that can lead them astray.
• You may be the shoulder to cry on.
• You may be the person they go to for advice.
• You may be the technical expert in their life.
• You are the one that teaches them something.
• You exercise together.
• You may be their bestie.
• You may be their life partner where stability, comfort, trust and love are offered and received.

There has to be something that we give and receive from one another.

When you take without giving or your communication is unpredictable, the only thing you offer is instability. People have other relationships that offer much more.

As humans we don’t steer towards difficult times we work on them to smooth things out. We understand and accept there are good and bad periods in our life. But we never intentionally set out to have an unpleasant time. We are social beings and we try to enjoy one another.

Communication is a fascinating complexity of interactions amongst one another. How we network with others highlights our self-worth and confidence or areas where work is required. We will naturally be drawn to those we are most comfortable with; not those who give us a hard time.

Communicating without a filter is an indicator. You don’t need to be an expert or a fortune teller to recognize that some communication informs us where people have issues.

They may have had a hard life, been raised in a temperamental environment or come from a background foreign to us. It may be a learned behavior or an insecurity. Communication can mean you feel uncomfortable in a circle, jealous, competitive, uncertain, defensive or even hesitant. Some people are using the fake it till you make it.

When we’re suspicious of someone else’s communication style we become watchful and stand on guard. Yet when we are with people we trust, communication has the capacity to lift us up, takes conversations to places where you have never been, stimulating and energizing us.

So tell me how do you communicate and represent yourself?

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